It’s that time of year when tradition might be prompting us to think about new year’s resolutions, and there is plenty of advice about how to make them, stick to them and achieve them. But I wonder how often resolutions are about addressing some perceived lack or deficiency in ourselves or in our lives? So rather than resolutions themselves, what if we examined where the feelings that have prompted them have come from? What attitudes have we brought to these resolutions – and are those attitudes kind?
Goal setting can be distinctly uncompassionate – especially if it has come directly from a place of feeling inadequate. Instead can our resolutions be about our strengths, and prioritising what or who we love? When we think about who we love, do we ever think to include ourselves?
What if our new year’s resolutions were more about a way of being? For Kabat-Zinn, that’s exactly what meditation is ‘a way of being’ (Coming to Our Senses, p. 58), a way of paying attention. To this, we try to bring an attitude of kindliness and compassion – without this the practice of mindfulness ‘can be ineffective or even harmful’ (Segal et al, MBCT, p, 137). What happens if practising self-compassion is our main struggle?
The inability to be kind to ourselves is often bound up with ideas around self-acceptance, failure and shame, and so to develop more self-compassion, we may well need to think about all of these things. And here are three brilliant women to help us do just that:
Tara Brach is a Buddhist and psychotherapist whose Radical Self-Acceptance – a series of four talks (including meditation practices) – is available on Audible. Here she explores that all-too-human tendency for self-aversion (a term she uses interchangeably with ‘shame’) and how ripe our culture is for creating this feeling. Ours is
‘a culture that rewards individual achieving, rewards competing and beating others and devalues those who are different … belonging is contingent on jumping through hoops – look a certain way, behave a certain way …. There is this constant gap between who we are and who we think we should be – and that gap … makes us feel terrible about ourselves … someone else’s accomplishments – someone even we care about – and deep down it can trigger off “boy, I’m not really alright” … an annoyed tone of voice, some critical feedback can really bring us very quickly to that sense of absolute deficiency’.
Radical Self-Acceptance explores the kinds of behaviour this can prompt in us and how we might begin the work of responding to this with mindfulness. Brach’s new book is also out now, Radical Compassion, and her podcasts are freely available as is her free 10-day course for January 2020.
Brene Brown’s brilliant work on shame is so accessible, she’s also open about her scepticism about mindfulness and meditation. She explains that it was really Kristin Neff’s definition of mindfulness as really being with feelings that connected with her. If we think we are always compassionate to others, just not to ourselves, we need to stop and take a harder look – because the judgments we have about ourselves are likely to be translated elsewhere. But before we can get to self-compassion, we really need to explore self-judgment and shame. Her work is essential for anyone who relates to perfectionism. Why? Because as she so memorably states,
‘Where there is perfectionism, there is always shame.’
We are uncomfortable with the idea of shame, we don’t really understand it and we don’t talk about it because shame itself is shameful – and yet, in Brach’s words it’s as simple as the ‘gap between who we are and who we think we should be’, it’s just another aspect of human experience that we all experience and that needs to be addressed. Brown’s Ted Talk is a great introduction to her work, The Power of Vulnerability – a series of six talks on Audible is also a brilliant and accessible way into her work. For getting started with her books, she recommends starting with The Gifts of Imperfection and then Daring Greatly.
Kristin Neff’s leading work on self-compassion begins with differentiating self-compassion and self-esteem. She talks about how the latter is ‘a global evaluation of self-worth’ and has long been seen as the psychological marker of good mental health. But she links ways of obtaining high self-esteem to competitiveness, growing narcissism and an epidemic of bullying in schools. ‘Self-esteem is contingent on success’ and sadly, for women especially, self-esteem is often linked to feelings about appearance and attractiveness. We often think we need criticism to motivate ourselves but actually Neff says the research shows the opposite: ‘Self-criticism undermines motivation’ (watch her Ted Talk) One of her three keys to self-compassion is understanding our common humanity:
‘recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience’.
On her website you can test how self-compassionate you are, and there are also guided mindfulness practices to try.
So, to come back to new year’s resolutions, if we are going to set them – let’s look at the spirit in which they are made. If we notice any feelings of judgement and self-criticism around them, perhaps we can look at casting our net a little wider to encompass a kinder way of being too.
Happy New Year x
Thank you for sharing these insights – I am really struck by the definition of shame simply being “the constant gap between who we are and who we think we should be”. Suddenly it doesn’t feel necessary to hide the feeling of inadequacy when viewed through this lens.
Remembering to be kind to myself has been a life long struggle and yet when I step outside of myself and observe my suffering as if it belonged to someone else, I realise how cruel I am being. I am looking forward to exploring the suggested reading and setting kinder “goals’. Happy New Year 🙂